MOPS

As we launch our new VNC MOPS Blog, we're excited to let you know of another weekly feature you can look forward to seeing here . . . words of wisdom from Walter's Wife.

Enjoy! And now, I'd like to introduce you to Walter's Wife . . .

Dear friends,
Many, many years ago I led a peaceful life on a farm in the rolling hills of Southern Indiana. I helped my Mother and learned what it meant to work hard and take pride in what was accomplished. Mother always told me to remember I was created by God for a special reason so it was very important to stay close to God and follow his rules for life. She said life wouldn't always be easy, but if I trusted God and followed him, he would guide me through everything. So, as she taught me to sew, clean and cook around our farm home, she kept teaching me life's lessons based on God's word. I always felt loved and protected. My Father was an honorable man who worked hard on our farm. He always complimented Mother on her delicious meals and even after a long hard day, he always offered to help Mother with the dishes. I know now, that it was his way of spending time with her and having that respectful example for us to see. My brother and I watched their interaction and of course, thought it was mushy when he gave Mother a kiss on her cheek. It wasn't so much what he said to her that made such an impact, as it was the tone of his voice and the tender way he looked at her. There was never a day that we didn't know how much they loved each other. He had a playful way about him and a sense of humor that kept us laughing. Life on the farm with my Brother and parents was hard work, but we had lots of fun and laughter too. I knew I wanted to marry someone just like my Father.
We belonged to the local Bible church and our parents made sure that Sunday was a day to go to church, worship and visit with our friends. I loved those church picnics in the summer. There was always a bounty of food, all homemade with loving hands. I remember Mrs. Miller's fried chicken, it was so crisp on the outside and the flesh would just melt in your mouth with every bite. Miss Clara always brought her butter biscuits and a church picnic couldn't be held without the Brooks sisters pies. I have never been able to make a tender crust like theirs. The boys always wanted to play ball in the field behind the church, while the girls sat under the old oak tree, enjoying a cool breeze while we watched and shared girl stories, usually about the boys you know. There was one boy in the church that seemed to be paying particular attention to me. It seemed like everywhere I was, he was close by, looking at me. When I caught his glances, he always gave me a big smile and nodded his head. I thought he was very handsome, but always the gentleman. His family was new to our church and it wasn't long before I learned that his name was Walter.
Walter and I enjoyed our visits and our parents were always close by, so that everything was proper. We never had eyes for anyone but each other. After our high school graduation, Walter left for trade school and I missed him so much. We wrote letters and spent time together when he came home. Then on Valentines Day, Walter came to our home for a visit. After dinner, Mother and I were washing up the dishes and Walter and my Father seemed to disappear for quite a while out to the barn. I wondered what was so interesting in the barn that would keep them occupied for such a long time. When they came into the house, my Father had a peculiar grin on his face and asked Mother to go for a walk with him. It was during their walk, that Walter got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I then understood what was so interesting in the barn. He had asked Father for permission to marry me. Of course, I said yes.
Well, that was over 50 years ago. In the course of our marriage we were blessed with three wonderful children who have given us many grandchildren. After Father and Mother went to be with The Lord, we moved to our beloved farm. Our grandchildren love to hear all the stories about life there on the farm, about Mother telling me all the ways God loved me and how he had a purpose for my life. We laugh at some of the old stories about Father and his sense of humor, and importantly about how he respected and loved Mother. We still attend our little Bible Church and still enjoy potluck dinners on occasion. The big oak tree still stands close by and Walter and I sometimes stroll under it holding hands and remember when . . . . .
Oh, I could go on and on about life with Walter. He always offers to help me with dishes after dinner and my heart still leaps when he looks at me tenderly and speaks lovingly to me, kind of reminds me of Father with Mother. I have so many stories to tell about raising those little ones. We had our ups and downs, but they turned out pretty good. Oh, before I go, if you ever want to ask me anything about living with Walter or raising those little ones, I'm always willing to share . . . .
Love, Walter's wife

My husband and I just had our second baby. Our 3 year old was excited about being a big sister, but now that the baby is here, she doesn't seem so excited and thinks we spend too much time holding her little brother. Any ideas would be appreciated. Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,
What you are experiencing is very normal. Your little girl is used to having attention from you and your husband whenever she needed, or wanted it. Now, she is faced with "sharing" that time. Often, our children would "need" that attention at the most inopportune times, so here are some things that Walter and I did to help get through those times.

We created special "story time" for when the baby was sleeping. Create a special time just for the two of you to share a snack and tell a story about when she was a little baby, just like her brother. They love to hear those kind of stories. Don't let anything interrupt your time together. Describe how she used to pucker her lips and yawn widely when sleepy, and how cuddly she was when she nestled into your arms for her nap. Now wrap her up in your arms and show her how that cuddle felt. There's nothing like a hug to make you feel safe and loved. You can finish your story by asking her to tell you what it is like for her to be the big sister.

Having a "baby of her own" is important too. You have a special baby, so she may want a special baby too. Have a little area for her to change her baby right next to your changing area. Give her some pretend powder, wipes, diapers, burp clothes and pretend bottles too. Kids have a vivid imagination, so you can improvise here. While you are feeding your baby, she will take care of her baby at the same time. While the babies are eating, the two of you can talk about what a good "Mommie" she is and how proud you are of her, and that you love having her there. Let her hold your baby and you can hold hers. Show her that you think she is a great big sister and that her little brother is very blessed to have such a great big sister. Let her be a part of her little brothers world. She can help with the diaper bag, sing songs to the baby and even pick out the next little outfit he will wear.

Let your little girl "help" set a special place at the table for Daddy - she can color a picture especially for him. She will be looking for dad's approval and that will go miles with her. You might coach Dad on talking about the picture and what it means to him.

The whole idea is to make a special effort to reinforce her value and place in your family. The baby demands attention, we all know that. It will be well worth your time and effort to give special attentiveness to your little girl. Oh, and don't forget when friends or family come by to meet your new little boy, make a special point of having your daughter lead the way. It draws her into the role of big sister and what an important role that is.

Another important thing is remember is how you speak to your little girl - the words you choose to use when speaking to her are important, true, but more important is your tone of voice. Don't take your frustration from a given situation out on her. Choose your words and tone of voice carefully, speaking with kindness and love. Galatians 5:22,23 says "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law".

Things are so different today, than they were when Walter and I had our little ones. Everyone seems to be in such a hurry these days. We didn't spend much time on the telephone, except for something really important and our socializing was done mostly after service on Sunday afternoons. The rest of the time was family time and we kept our focus on raising the little ones, meeting their needs, while preparing them for lifes challenges. Making a fine home for Walter to come home at the end of his day was so important. It wasn't fancy, but it was filled with love and he knew when he walked through that door, that he was expected and welcomed.

Well, you know I love to keep going, but I think that may just give you a couple ideas to think about. I hope your frustration will turn to joy very soon. Love, Walter's wife

Dear Walter's Wife,
What did you and your husband do to make sure you were making time for just the two of you? Were there things you did intentionally to bond on a deeper level than just the daily "what's for dinner" and "how was work today"? With an infant and a two year old the day gets hectic real quick and we are exhausted by the end of the day.

Ah, I remember those days as if they were yesterday. Is your husband your priority? Do you cherish him and the time you choose to spend together? My first idea is to have your family on a schedule. Children are demanding our time and energy and it is a challenge to balance the time and energy you expel to them and still have energy left for Dad. Remember that our children travel through our homes on the way to homes of their own - Dads remain with us.

Here are a couple of ideas to consider. Dad has had a full day himself and he's tired when he gets home too. As it is important for him to spend time with the children, schedule that for while you are preparing dinner. After dinner, spend time with all of you together. Create a regular routine that the children will recognize each evening. Such as: dinner, playtime, bathtime, storytime, bedtime. Walter and I agreed it was important for us to "make time" for each other without the children. We established bedtime for the children to be 8 p.m. After that bedtime story, it was a drink, bathroom time and off to bed they went. They were NEVER invited into our private time. 8 p.m. was time for Dad and we held to it. As our funds would allow, we had "dates" outside our home and we promoted that to the children as their "special" game night with the sitter. It was a fun time created just for them, so in their eyes the focus was not that we were leaving them, they were having a special treat.

Now, for those "Dates" that Daddys like to have on occasion, you can plan for that too. When the children go down for their afternoon nap, Mommy should nap too. Unplug the phone and relax so that you are mentally prepared for your "Date". Try this for deeper insight into your husband- After the children are in bed, unplug the phone, light some candles and sit facing one another, hold hands and just talk. Reconnecting on a mental level will help you to reconnect on all levels. This is a season of life that is hectic, for sure. Your creativity and desire to cherish and love your husband will send him a message of respect.

Dear Walters Wife,
How do we handle which set of grandparents gets the honor of having the grandbabies in their home for T-giving? Who has them for Christmas? We don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but it makes me sing the Holiday blues.

Dear Blues,
In Genesis 2:24 we learn that "For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." So, you have now created your own family, with plans to set your own traditions. It's true that many families insist that we must all go to your Aunts house for Thanksgiving, because that's what we have always done - but now you have another families traditions to consider as well. Your husbands family may have always gone to his Uncles every year. Here is where communication skills and compromise come into play. Decide what is going to be best for the two of you. If both sides of your families live close by, you might consider alternating visits. Go to your Aunts this year and invite his family over the Sunday before Thanksgiving for your own special Thanksgiving. Next year go to his Uncles and invite her family the Sunday before Thanksgiving. Seldom do established families want to sway from their traditions. Sometimes you have to compromise to what is best for your own family.

Another idea is to blend your families together for a Thanksgiving in your home. There is never a worry about enough space, because space is not what is important. It's the blending of families to uplift and support each other and to build memories.

As the children always loved Christmas morning in our home, we would gather around the tree and open each of our gifts. I always had a coffee cake made, with juice and coffee for Walter and I and milk for the children. We loved just relaxing with no pressure to get in a hurry to go anywhere. Family traditions on both sides of our families added some pressure. My Mother always had Christmas dinner at 4 in the afternoon. Walters Mother always had her dinner at 2 in the afternoon. So we would roll ourselves in the door that evening, stuffed and exhausted. After much discussion between us, Walter and I decided to have Christmas with our parents on Christmas Eve. We invited them over and we shared food and stories, exchanged our gifts. We felt such relief that the Christmas Day was not a push to get out the door and travel.

Now that our children are married with families of their own, we have them all over for Christmas Eve and we sing carols, enjoy dinner together and exchange our gifts. That gives them Christmas morning in their own homes with no push to get out the door and travel to our home. The children don't have to leave their new toys behind while they head out the door.

Walter and I still enjoy a Christmas morning coffee cake, with coffee and juice in our PJ's. We smile and remember the Christmas mornings gone by and all the fun we had - and we are relaxed with no hurry to baste the turkey or bake the pies - today we eat the leftovers and talk about the fun we had with the children and grandchildren the night before. Leftovers are a good thing.

Anytime you have a blending of families, this can be a difficult time of year - - - just remember that you have joined together to form your own family, with your own traditions as well. Communicate with each other with love and respect and know that love sometimes means compromise. Thanksgiving and Christmas are each a day . . . . keep the spirit of both everyday of the year.

Walters Wife

Dear Walter's Wife,
We are really struggling with how to evenly divide the holidays up with my parents and in-laws this year. We very rarely see my own parents at holiday time, but they've just informed us that they're coming for Thanksgiving this year. I'd really love to be with them, but this is the year for the entire family to gather at my in-law's house. I tried to tactfully bring the subject up with my mother-in-law, but the distinct feeling that they won't budge. She also mentioned (more than once) that it's rare when all of her grandchildren are in the same house all at once. I felt so guilty. My husband doesn't seem to care one way or the other about it. I really feel frustrated with the whole thing, but my kids rarely get to see my parents, so I really want to spend the holiday with them. Any ideas?

Dear Struggling,
I'm not clear on how long your parents will be in town. Is there a good relationship between your parents and your in-law's? So I'll try to answer assuming that your parents are in town for just the day and that they are cordial with your in-laws. I would ask your husband to talk to your Mother-In-Law and ask her if you could bring your parents along as your guests. You may have to share your time with other family members, but you are still with your parents.
The other possibility would be to have a noon dinner with your parents and make a visit to your In-Laws later in the afternoon. It maybe important to your In-Laws that photos of the family be taken since everyone will be there.
If your In-Laws live a long distance away and splitting the day will not work, then a decision will have to be made. Sit down with your husband and explain how you feel, then listen to how he feels and come to a respectful decision between the two of you.
The Holidays can be so joyful and it's also stressful. Always remember that your primary loyalty is to your husband. He is the person you must compromise with in the end.
Just remember that communication is key to all relationships. Keeping peace at home is always your first priority.
I wish you and your family a wonderful Thanksgiving celebration.
Walters Wife

How do I get my son to stop crying every time he is dropped off in his class at Church, MOPS, or the babysitter? How do I get him to stop throwing temper tantrums?

Dear Mom of Cryer,
I believe you have a situation that is very normal. Separation anxiety occurs in many children. How long it lasts and how it will end depends on several factors. If you are certain the environment he is going to is safe, friendly and fun, then you need to understand and accept that he knows exactly how his behavior is making you feel. My son used to cry desperately when I dropped him off. I knew he was in a safe place, with friendly people and was going to be involved in a lot of fun activities. Yet, each and every time I dropped him off, he would cling and cry hysterically. I would literally have to pry him off my legs, hold him in my arms and reassure him I would be back in a short time. He cried out the window as I was leaving. His teacher finally told me that as soon as he didn't see me anymore, the tears stopped and off to play he went. I hate to tell you this, but sometimes it is more about us than them. Kids learn really fast what is working for them and what is not. If the crying keeps you there longer, it's working for him and he'll keep it up.

The good thing is that you can be sure you have formed a very strong bond with him, or he wouldn't be so upset when you leave. He will come to learn that not only will you leave, but that you WILL return and be very happy to see him again. Be pleasant, loving and firmly say good bye with an explanation of when you will return and then do it. Walk away and return when you said you would. This will instill dependability in your word and he will know you mean what you say.

As you talk to your son, ask him about the children in his class. Perhaps you could meet one of the Mom's for a playtime at your home. This is his safe place, and as they get to know each other and play well in your home, you can then go visit his home. With you being right there, he can see that he can have a fun, safe time playing with his friend without anxiety at all.
Consider working out a time to meet the other family as they arrive at Church, so that your son is walking into the class with his friend. Once inside the classroom, they together will be distracted by the other children already at play, and leaving you won't be as traumatic.

A comfort level is necessary at any age. He may very well be reacting to your reaction with the situation. If you have a positive attitude, and expect him to act like a "big boy", then he will soon realize that this is expected of him. If you coddle him, and keep delaying leaving or coming back often, it just delays his adjustment.

Don't think that you are alone with this situation. Not at all. But as in every stage of development, this will pass and another adventure will begin.

Dear Walters Wife,
How do I get my kids to act like they do at school (angels) at home? The teachers couldn't stop talking about their helpful and thoughtful behavior.

My first thought is GREAT JOB PARENTS! You have obviously done a great job of teaching your children proper etiquette and compassionate insight. Even better news is that they are using it appropriately. Take it as a compliment and be very proud.
Home is a safe haven for each of us. It's a place where we can relax and just be ourselves. It's normal for kids to "let down their hair" a little at home. It's obvious that you have taught them well, now, encourage that same behavior at home in a gentle, loving and consistent way. While you can allow them to be comfortable at home with their own family, courtesy is still expected. Each family member needs to receive the same kind of respect and courtesy that folks outside our homes receive. If you continue to encourage them along these lines, I know you will see results. Just expect them to be more relaxed with those they know love them even when they let those manners slip occasionally. Children are like little sponges, they absorb everything around them. Continue to lead by example with your own actions and they will pick up those habits. They will realize that it makes them feel special when they are treated the way you expect them to treat others. There no better place to begin than in your home. It's sounds like you are doing a great job right now, just keep up that same persistent example and your consistency will pay off. It takes lots of love and patience to raise respectful adults.

Dear Walters Wife,
We have a big problem in our home this Christmas. In the past we have indulged our kids with lots of presents under the tree. With the economy this year, we have to cut way back on what we can afford to spend. What do we say to the kids when they notice fewer packages to open? I'm a tongue tied Mom, can you help?

Dear tongue tied,
Walter and I were blessed in that we always had food to feed our family, and the warmth of a modest home. True, there were times when we didn't have much left for "extra's", but we had faith that continually made us grateful each and every day for what we received. We taught our children the lesson of it being better to give than to receive. Christmas time meant baking cookies and pumpkin breads for our neighbors and tucking in a special note of what they meant to us. Sometimes the children would make up their special coupons for shoveling snow or racking leaves that next fall. They came up with those ideas on their own, and it made Walter and I very proud.
Walter and I had lots of fun hiding specials gifts for the children. They would have to follow a treasure map to find their gift. Each year each one got a new scarf and mittens, it seems we could never have too many of those. Christmas eve was a very special event. We filled our tummy's with warm soup and freshly baked bread with apple butter. Then we bundled up and made our way to our little church for Candlelight service. Christmas songs filled the air and the sermon always included the Christmas story.
When you sit by your Christmas tree this year, read the Christmas story in Matthew of how the the gifts of gold, incense and myrrh were given to baby Jesus. In years past, we have observed children being overindulged with "things" and the true meaning of Christmas has not been the focus for many families. You see, if 3 gifts were enough for Jesus, then that seems to be a fitting number for all. When your children begin to focus their attention on others and what they have to offer of themselves to friends and neighbors, they will soon be satisfied with less themselves as far as material things are concerned. They will be filled with so much more in their hearts.

Dear Walters Wife,
I'm in a sleepy rut. I only have one child, but I get so tired playing, cleaning and cooking that I've been taking a nap ever afternoon when I put down my 2 year old. This is time that could be better spent working around the house or planning fancier dinners. I want to break my napping habit, but I fail everyday. Do you have any suggestions for me to find the motivation or inspiration to get out of this "lazy" rut?
Tired of being tired

Dear Tired,
My dear one . . . being the Mother of a 2 year old can be exhausting. Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm hearing your frustration though, so I will make a few suggestions that might help.
A normal, healthy adult woman needs at least 8 hours of sleep. There are times when we don't get that much in one stretch. If you are not getting good sound sleep each night, then that could explain why you feel the need to nap. So if your body is tired, rest is important to your health - take a nap.
Do you eat healthy well balanced meals that includes all the food groups? If you are lacking in sound nutrition, you will feel sluggish mid way through the day. Are you reaching for snacks that are high in carbohydrates and sugars? These give you an energy high, which follows often with a low that leaves you tired and lacking energy. Have you had a checkup including blood work to see if your hormones and blood levels are in the normal range? You might consider vitamins if you are not taking them now.
Working around the house is a never ending task. Does everything in your home have a place and is it easy to put things away where they belong? Lack of organization can cause tremendous stress, giving you a feeling of fatigue just thinking about what needs to be done. If the task seems too big, it's easy to want to close your eyes and take a nap. I know, because that has happened to me more than you will ever know. I found that once I uncluttered my home and assigned a specific home for each item, it made keeping the house so easy.
Keep in mind that you have a busy 2 year old - does your child play well alone for short periods of time? I remember letting our daughter play in the pots and pans cupboard while I washed dishes or cooked. She was content, although very noisy, and I could accomplish what I needed to do. By the age of 2, you do not need to be entertaining and giving 100% of your attention only to your child. You can spend time together while you are doing your home tasks. Give your child a dust cloth and the two of you can be "dusting" together.
Consider portioning out the toys into bags of the days of the week. On Monday, when you need to be doing something on your own for a short time, present the "Monday toy bag" to your child. Tuesday do the Tuesday toy bag. Each night, you will put those toys back in that days bag and next week, it will be all new again. You may find their attention span is lengthened and their independent playtime extended too. a child is no different than we are. Looking at a huge mix of toys day after day can be overwhelming to them too.
Let's talk a little about the meals. Most Dad's would be happy coming home to a happy wife and a happy child. Now, I'm not dreaming - this can happen. Walter would have been happy with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner and me rested, cheerful with happy children. Here are a couple of ideas to consider. Make a list of dinners that you will have that week. Write down the ingredients you will need and shop for them so that you are prepared. Walter and I worked as a team on weekends. He would spend his time with the children, while I prepared ingredients for our meals that week. If I needed 5 cut up onions, I cut them all at once and put them in the refrigerator, so I could scoop out what I needed without all the fuss at the last minute. I often cooked multiple pounds of ground beef and portioned it into freezer containers, so that was done ahead of time. It would be so simple to make spaghetti at the last minute because everything was prepared ahead of time. I mixed up meatloaf and put it in the freezer, so all I needed to do was put it into the oven. While Walter and I were raising our children, I used to cook stews and sauces on the stove long and slow. Chicken simmered for chicken and dumplings. We didn't have crock pots back then like you have now. That might be a great idea for you to use too.
As far as fancier dinners go, I always had a centerpiece on our table. It wasn't fancy, sometimes I would set an African violet plant that was blooming on the table and sometimes it was a single candle. Our table was meant to be a special place where we settled after a particularly busy day. I tried very hard to keep it clear of clutter and make it a pleasant place to dwell together. I often set the table for dinner in the morning - that way I was prepared ahead of time and last minute distractions didn't cause me stress. While I prepared dinner, I had a sink of dishwater ready and I washed up items as I went along - so there wasn't a huge mess after dinner, just our silverware and dinner plates. Now you have dishwashers that make it even easier.
I hope you find some solutions here, but I would want you to understand that having a 2 year old child is a mighty task. I'm certain that you are a fine Mother and I know your heart is in the right place. Just take good care of yourself and rest when you need it. This too shall pass. Until next time,
Walters Wife

Dear Walter's Wife,
Help! Christmas is almost here and once again we will be expected to "make the rounds". My husband's parents expect us to be with them every Christmas and my parents expect us every Christmas Eve. They all think they are being fair in splitting the holiday time, but honestly, my husband and I are tired of dragging 3 kids around until they are exhausted. How can we break this yearly holiday cycle and begin some traditions of our own? Is it too late to do something this year? Stressed.

Dear Stressed,
Walter and I went through this same dilema ourselves when our children were very young. What was supposed to be a joyful time was indeed very stressful, often winding up with cranky, tired children. As we shared our thoughts with friends, we found some wise ideas to consider for changing. Here are a few of them.
Combine our families together at our home on Christmas Eve, beginning in the afternoon and ending in time for the children to be off to bed at a normal hour. Christmas day was then relaxed and stressfree.
Maintain an open door policy for family to drop by to share the day.
Alternate sharing the Christmas day with each family every other year on the DAY of Christmas. Have the other family gathering on the weekend prior.
Have a progressive dinner with each family hosting a dish - Grandma # 1 for appetizers and
soup, Grandma # 2 for the main course and Your home for Jesus Birthday Cake and opening gifts. That way when the children open gifts they don't have to leave them behind to go visiting.
Keep holidays simple. When it's elaborate, it becomes stressful.

Remember the "reason for the season" and celebrate the Birth of Christ with awe and wonder of God's greatest gift to us.

As far as making a change this year, consider these things:
Preparations may have already begun with the parents - don't be disrespectful by pulling
out of the mix at the last minute -
Communication is key to change. Try to help them remember what it was like for them with all the Holiday travel. If that wasn't their experience, or they don't remember, just explain how you feel. Have a plan for next year and announce it far enough in advance that no feelings will be hurt. Avoid bringing up the subject of changing things unless you have a solution to your problem first.
Anytime you are making arrangements that involve many people and many households, compromise is essential to harmony.
Keep Joy, Peace and Love at the center of plans so that you can avoid conflict.

Walter and I wish you a blessed Christmas celebration and hope the New Year brings you blessings beyond measure.
Walters Wife

Dear Walters Wife,
I'm nearly at my witts end - my husband is a good husband, good father and works hard to provide for our family. I'm home all day with our two little ones, ages 2 and 3 1/2. When my husband comes home, he wants to help me with the children like reading to them and giving baths, and getting them dressed for bedtime. Sometimes, there is so much mess when the bath is done, I feel like it's one more job for me to do cleaning up after the 3 of them. It would just be easier if I did it myself. I'm frustrated - how can I encourage my husband to let me do it myself.

My dear frustrated,
I can sense that you are upset about the mess this creates. I have a story to tell you that may help turn things around for you.
When Walter and I were raising our family, we had a similar situation. He worked all day at his job and I tended the children and our home. I tried very hard to have our home in order, dinner cooking and the children presentable when he arrived. It didn't happen everyday, but I did my best to make his homecoming pleasant. Walter was always too happy to be home and he tried very hard to make things "easier" for me when he was there. Naturally, I had become so used to taking care of the children and meeting their needs, that it was very hard for me to not be the "boss" of the children. I encouraged Walter to sit and read the paper while I bathed the children and dressed them in their night clothes.
One evening, I caught a glimse of Walter standing at the bedroom door watching and looking rather, well, lost. That night after the children were in bed, Walter said something was bothering him and he wanted to discuss it with me. I was all ears and eager to listen and offer my advice to his problem. Walter proceeded to tell me that he felt that I had a "hands off" policy for the children. I tell you, I was shocked to hear it. Throughout our conversation, Walter admitted that I made him feel like he wasn't good enough at bathing or dressing the children for bed. He was hurt when I corrected him on where the toys were to be put away at night. He was just trying to help me, and to him, equally important, he wanted to spend quality time with the children alone too. He pointed out that I was lucky to be with them all day long, and he wanted time of his own. Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather! I had never known I was that controlling and hurt him so. I appreciated his honesty. I valued his opinion and loved him so much, I couldn't bear hurting him. In my heart I was trying to make him feel comfortable in his home and have plenty of time to rest. I tried to keep things in order to show respect for him.
We were able to compromise and that brought such harmony to our home. I learned to relax and bit more and let go of my control. After all, they were Walters children too and he was just as important to the children as I was. I learned another important lesson that night too. That it was much more important for Walter to feel respected and loved in his home, than to make sure everything was put in it's proper place each and every day.
If you have a heart to heart talk with your husband and compromise, you may find that there is a happy ending to your frustrated beginning.

Walters Wife

Dear Walters Wife,
I'm always struggling with the clutter in my home. Do you have any suggestions for keeping things neat? Clutter bug

Dear Clutter bug,
This is a struggle that many Mom's have. We begin with just the two of you and along comes baby with more "necessities" than one can imagine. First realize the size of the space you live in. It can only hold so much. If you have a place for everything to "live" it will be much easier to keep your home in order by simply returning things to their "home space".
For daily decluttering, I use a laundry basket. I begin in the kitchen and put everything that doesn't belong in the kitchen in that basket. I move to the dining room and take out of the basket what goes in the dining room while collecting other things in the dining room that don't belong in that room. I move to the bedroom and do the same. Continue through the house until you wind up back in the kitchen with an empty basket. In no time at all you will find a decluttered space to live in.
Walters Wife

Dear Walters Wife,
My husband and I have 2 small boys who are really a handful. My In-Laws came over for dinner last week, and my Mother-In-Law said I should always have a centerpiece on my table.
I tell you, this is the last thing on my mind and I'm a little miffed about her suggesting it. Do you think my boys will really care about a centerpiece?

Dear Daughter-In-Law,
I'm hearing your seething in your question. I have to admit that suggestions from Mother-In-Laws can sometimes be like nails on a one-room schoolhouse chalkboard. It is important to keep the peace and respect her because she is your husbands Mother. Walter seemed to like having fresh flowers on the table, even if it were a single stem of something from our garden. The children, at a young age really didn't seem to pay much attention, or so I thought. Even in the winter time, Walter would sometimes surprise me with a single rose he picked up on his way home. I always felt special when he did that. I always loved my african violets. They would often find there way to the center of the table for dinner, just to spruce things up a bit. It became a game to the children to see what I would put on the table next.
It may not seem like anything of importance, but there was a real message in that centerpiece. It was a focal point of caring and often a tender gesture from Walter to me. Now that our children have grown and have families of their own, I see how my oldest, our son, would occasionally bring home a rose to his wife. I know that he watched the way Walter spoke to me and his gentle caring ways to make me feel special. It pleases me so much to see him do the same for his young wife.
Next time you set your table, think about something special to put in the center of your table. Sometimes, even the smallest item can bring about great conversation and build memories. I'll bet your Mother-In-Law knows something about that. Her suggestion may not have been meant as a criticism. Being surrounded by a husband and two little boys, she may have thought a little feminine touch would remind the "boys" that there is a lady in the house. It is never too early to teach them how to act at the table and a centerpiece just steps things up a bit. It tells them they are special too.

Dear Walters Wife,
This past week, our kids were home from school due to extreme cold weather. The kids got on each others nerves and fumbled for things to do. What did you do on snow days with your kids? Stir Crazy Mom

Dear Stir Crazy,
Of course, that was a long time ago. We had a 2 story house, with hardwood floors, so we let the kids put on their roller skates and skate some of their energy off. It did create lots of noise, but it was "fun" noise and not fighting noise. When the weather was too cold to go outside, we did crafts. I would pop popcorn and the kids would string it into long sections to hang in the trees to help feed the birds. We always had flocks of house finches and cardinals in our trees. If we had a couple of oranges, we cut them in half, scooped out the pulp and juice inside for dinner. I would heat up some suet and mix it with peanut butter and seeds that the birds liked. We poured that mixture into the hollowed out orange cups, placed them in our shed to firm up. We used string to hang those cups on branches of the trees. Then we had a contest to see who spotted different types of birds.
We mixed up homemade playdough and made flat, rounds that we used to press our handprints into. I used a nail to create a hole near the top so when they were dry, the kids painted them and we hung them on the wall over the coat hooks near the back door.
The children loved to cut out shapes and make "pictures" with colored paper and create a story that went along with the pictures. I would make a front and back cover for each of them with their name and the date. I had a paper punch that I used to make holes down the leftside of the created books. Then the children used pieces of yarn to bind the books together. They loved to present them to Walter when he came in from his work that day.
Sometimes the children would make friendship booklets to give to elderly friends. Each page was an idea the children could do to help them with chores around their home. It was always a good idea to be thinking of others instead of just themselves.
Oh, there was always much to be done back then. When the weather was not so frigid outside, Walter would make a "Fox and Goose" pattern in the yard for the children to play outdoors. They shoveled snow for the neighbors and delivered homemade cookies just as an act of kindness.
You might ask your kids to think of 2 things they can do for others that would bring joy to someone else. I think they will be surprised at how it makes THEM feel.

Dear Mom's
I thought I would share one of my ideas for cold February winter days. They can be hard to handle sometimes and make you feel like a shut-in. Use this month to start and finish your "spring" cleaning. In each room make a list of the deep cleaning you need to do. Begin with the hardest chores starting at the top and work down, I'll use one room as an example and you will see what I mean. In the bedroom the list might include, taking down and washing the ceiling light, washing the walls, cleaning out the closet, cleaning out dresser drawers, shampooing the carpet. This is a great time to sort out the clothing and deside what needs to be thrown out, handed down or readied for a yard sale/donation center. If you make your list, and each day tackle one item on the list, by the end of the month you will have cleaned everything in your house. Now when those warm spring days come, you will feel so good about breaking out of the house to play outside. No guilt will set in, because your house is "springclean". In and of itself, each task doesn't take a lot of time, so you won't be overwhelmed and wonder what to do with your children. Give your child a little cleaning bucket of their own with a sponge and dust cloth. They will be happy to work right alongside you and it is good for them to work in their home to help. We use a reward system in our home. If we get this job done, then we can read that special story, or take a walk. Whatever you want to use as a reward will be incentive for them to work with you to complete the task. You'll love the way March feels when you are all done.
Walters wife

Dear Walters Wife,
Last evening I heard my children in the playroom. They were playing house and I was not happy with what I heard. My daughter was playing the Mommy and she kept raising her voice and getting angry. I'm afraid it sounded pretty familiar to me. Now I don't know how to take back what they have heard. Is it too late to turn my behavior around so they don't pick up this bad habit. Hearing it was like nails on a chalkboard.

Dear Chalkboard Mom,
My dear, every Mother can feel the challenge of raising children and loose it sometimes. I got into the habit of counting to 10 silently before I said anything in anger. Of course it isn't easy, but it is a choice we make. Little ones are like sponges, they absorb everything that touches them. Be cautious with words and the tone you use. Use a firm, yet soft tone and you will be much happier with what you hear when it is played back during their "roll playing".
It is never too late to correct a wrong. It lets your children know that we all make mistakes, that even big people make poor choices sometimes. We learn from them and strive to not repeat them again.